Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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