Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
