I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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