I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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