I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
