so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
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she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
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