He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
