Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Jerry, you need to find god
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
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I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
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Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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