i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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