my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
