when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
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Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
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So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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