just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
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