Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
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So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
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Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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