I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Found the puke drawer
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?