I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?