I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
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Be still, my beating vagina.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
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I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.