Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.