Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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