I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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