The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
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Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
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What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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