we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
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