Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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