You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize