last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
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When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
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Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?