Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread