there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.