I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
25 People Confess The Most Awkward Situation They’ve Ever Been In
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
These Are 21 Of The Most Delusional People Ever
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that