i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Canadian or clown?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.