dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick