My entire life is one complicated drinking game
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
