the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
