remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
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