under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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