Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
