dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
