My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
