She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
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Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
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those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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