she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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