I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
