I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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