everyone is single if you try hard enough
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.