i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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