i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
