Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.