Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
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The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
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We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome