While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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