he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
