My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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