It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
