He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
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I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
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The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!