mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
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Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
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Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.