As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
