I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
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