Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
