I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize