I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
