I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
21 Awkward Ways People Found Out Their Partner Was Into Outrageous Sex Acts
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS