Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!