I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Randomize
