Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
